Real Friends vs. Fake Friends

Real Friends vs. Fake Friends

Dear Booga,
A big problem I had throughout high school was how to tell the difference between real friends and fake friends. I still have a little bit of trouble telling the difference sometimes. When you realize that someone you thought was a real friend is really just a fake it always hurts. So hopefully if I tell you some of my experiences and how I found out the fakes while I was in school it might help you figure things out a little bit sooner than your big sis. I’ll stop and give you some “unwritten rules” along the way. J

All names (except your brothers) have been changed to protect the innocent…or not so innocent. Haha. All the names are kind of weird and you’ll probably guess who they all are anyway, but it was mainly for fun. Just go with it.

Since you started your freshman year of high school a couple weeks ago I thought that my freshman year would be the perfect place to start. I started out my freshman year with the same two best friends I had all through 8^th grade, Joyce and Sally. The three of us did everything together and we had tons of fun. We had countless sleepovers, camping trips, inside jokes, crazy adventures and serious talks. No matter what we were doing we always had a good time. At the beginning of freshman year Joyce began dating AC and Sally began dating C². They both got pretty serious with their boyfriends, but we all still remained really close and told each other everything. Joyce ended up sleeping with AC and told us the next day, and then he broke up with her a couple days later. C² tried to get Sally to sleep with him, but she said no and so he broke up with her. It was about the middle of the school year when this all happened and Joyce and Sally were both crushed. Joyce ended up dating C² just a few weeks later. You can just imagine the drama this caused! Sally is a bit dramatic anyway so she immediately assumed Joyce and C² were fooling around behind Sally’s back. She started a huge rumor about how Joyce had a miscarriage with AC’s baby and now she was a big slut. Obviously Sally and Joyce never hung out again after that, but they also tried to make me choose between the two of them. When I wouldn’t choose Sally stopped hanging out with me as well. Now you can easily tell Sally and Joyce were obviously fake friends with each other.

Rules so far:
1.) You don’t date your best friends ex just a couple weeks after they break up, especially if you know your friend still has feelings for him.
2.) You don’t start rumors about your best friend having a miscarriage and being a slut. You don’t start rumors about friends at all.

I thought that they were both pretty good friends to me however, so after Sally stopped hanging out with me I continued to hang out with Joyce. Things were just awkward after that though all Joyce ever wanted to do was bad mouth Sally and sneak out to hang out with older guys. She started turning into exactly what Sally had said about her. She wanted me to go out with all these guys with her to really shady parties all the time and I didn’t want to be a part of it so I stopped hanging out with Joyce. As soon as I stopped hanging out with Joyce I started hanging out with Sally again. I never talked to Joyce again after that.

Rule:
 3.) If your friends try to pressure you into doing something you know is wrong or you’re not comfortable with then they’re probably not good friends.

The summer before my sophomore year Caleb became my best friend he came in my room almost every night and we would just talk for hours. We talked about our dreams, the future, school, his job, parties, God’s Word and absolutely anything else you can think of. It was always my favorite part of the day and we had talks like that up until half way through my junior year. I’ll explain more about that later, but for now let’s discuss my sophomore year.

Sally and I became best friends again and we hung out constantly. During our sophomore year of high school we started hanging out with all our older brothers’ friends. There was a big group of us at school that always hung out together and ate lunch at the same table every day. The guys were Caleb, Joseph, Todd, Rick, Leroy and sometimes Gilbert. Then the girls were Mary, Sally, Rita and I. Oh we always had a ton of fun, it was the table that everyone else always wanted to sit at. We were so loud and crazy, constantly laughing, telling some perverted joke or wrestling around. That group of friends went everywhere together. We had a ton of get togethers up in our garage; we would go to parties at the lake, to the movies, or mudding. We would play cowboys and Indians in the thunderstorms where we had huge mud fights or we would just chill at each other’s houses. We had the same group for 2 years, but we slowly started to fall apart. Well in big groups like that it’s hard not to have any drama. First of all Annabelle another girl in my class all of a sudden wanted to be friends with me. So I started hanging out with her and she worked herself into the group. When Annabelle came along Sally ditched me again and didn’t talk to me for most of my junior year. I was a little upset by that, but it wasn’t too bad because I had the group. Mary, Annabelle and I became really close we went everywhere together. When Caleb and Rita broke up Annabelle decided to start dating Caleb. I thought it was a little weird at first since Annabelle and I were such good friends, but I got over it. The group didn’t last much longer after that. Gilbert found a new group to hang with, Leroy had a falling out with Caleb and Joseph, and no one could stand Todd anymore. I still hung out with all of them, but we never hung out all at once again. I either hung out with Mary, Todd and Rick or Joseph, Caleb and Annabelle. Never all six. Anyways, about half way through my junior year Annabelle and I were best friends and had a lot of really fun times. However most of those fun times were usually bad. I don’t have a single memory of her where we weren’t drinking, flirting/making out with boys, sneaking out, breaking curfew, or even walking around Derby in skimpy Halloween costumes (but that’s a story for another time). Yeah Annabelle and I had a ton of fun, but we also did a TON of bad things usually her idea because she had a car and knew boys from other towns. Anyways after about 6 or 7 months of Caleb and Annabelle dating and us being best friends, she started acting really weird. At first it was just little things like how she would constantly be texting, but wouldn’t tell anyone who. Then I started to notice more and more things; she wouldn’t let anyone see her phone, she would constantly talk to me about boys named Logan and Brandon, and then she started going places on the weekends and lying to me(her supposed best friend) and Caleb(her boyfriend).

Rule:
4. You don’t lie to your friends (besides if they’re close enough friends they’ll know you’re lying anyway)

After a few more months of this Annabelle continued to act weirder and weirder. She would make Caleb stay on the phone with her so he didn’t get a chance to come talk to me at night and when he told her he was going to go talk to me she whined until he gave in and stayed on the phone with her. Then Caleb got in a fight with the guy I liked at school and he got suspended for a week. Earlier in the year Caleb had given Annabelle his class ring to wear, and up until he got suspended she wore it around her neck every day. However, the moment he wasn’t in school with her she stopped wearing it. Over the week Caleb was suspended she openly flirted with a ton of other guys in school and whenever Caleb was mentioned she would turn away real quick and pretend she didn’t hear. When Caleb was allowed to come back to school she started wearing the ring again, but it was always tucked into her shirt. Then things started to get really nasty. Annabelle and I went to the store one day after school; she was being particularly bossy that day so I walked down the aisle right next to the one she was on. She immediately stormed over to the aisle I was on and demanded that I stay right next to her the rest of the time. I didn’t like that very much so I told her she wasn’t in charge of me. She then told me she had the car so she would leave me in Wichita if I didn’t do exactly what she said.

Rule:
5.) You don’t own your friends; therefore you do NOT treat them like dogs.

After that day Annabelle and I still hung out a little bit because she was still dating Caleb, but we were not good friends anymore. I also started to watch her closer after that day since she was acting so suspicious. She knew that I liked a certain guy in school, JTH who I had hung out with and made out with a few times, the same guy Caleb had got in a fight with. Well she constantly flirted with JTH when Caleb wasn’t around, then I had several people from school who I wasn’t even friends with come up and tell me they saw Annabelle and JTH fooling around. Everyone knew Caleb and I were really close and that we watched out for each other. So when I found out that people had seen Annabelle and JTH together I told Caleb. Of course, he didn’t believe me. He thought I was just making up a bunch of rumors, back then it really hurt that my own brother wouldn’t believe me, especially with how close we were. However, a few years later I realized it wasn’t that he didn’t trust me, but that he really thought he was in love with Annabelle and didn’t want to believe she would do that. At the time, however; this caused HUGE fights. I was pissed because Annabelle was supposed to be my best friend, but she was cheating on my brother with the guy I liked and Caleb didn’t even believe me. On top of that Annabelle acted like such a goodie goody in front of our family that no one else believed me either. Everyone took her side and told me I was just being too dramatic and I was in trouble constantly because she would tell mom and dad I had done things I hadn’t or that I had done with her. Because of her, my junior year was the worst year of my life. Nothing is worse than having your own family completely against you.

Rule:
6.) You don’t date your friends siblings and you don’t let your friends date your siblings. (Trust me on this one Caleb dated one of my friends and I dated 2 of his. All 3 times it ended in disaster.)

I hated being at the house after that because she was ALWAYS there and everyone took her side. So I basically lived at Mary’s house. As soon as school ended I would go over to her house and hang out with her for as long as possible then go home just to sleep. Before then Mary and I hung out, but we were never that close, but we became super close over that year. We talked about everything and helped each other through a lot of shit (but I suppose that’s a story for another time as well). Anyways by the time senior year rolled around Caleb had finally broken up with Annabelle and things were starting to go back to normal. Well almost, Annabelle spread rumors about me like crazy and I didn’t say the nicest things about her either. Everyone in school knew we hated each other so they wisely didn’t bring the other one up around us. Eventually things blew over and my senior year was a ton of fun. Sally started hanging out with me again and I was still really good friends with Mary. Things were great! Our senior class got really close and we always went out and did things together as a class. There  were countless parties, movies, dinners, and drive-in trips. It was a blast. Mary was caught up in a lot of drama with her boyfriend Todd who I couldn’t stand, since she was always with him I stopped hanging out with her so much. I started hanging out with the big party crowd and went to parties almost every other weekend. I had a ton of friends or I thought I did anyway. If I wanted to do something other than party no one was up for it. Apparently they were only friends with me because I was fun to party and drink with.

Rule:
7.) If your friends only want to drink/party all the time they’re not real friends and won’t be there for you when you need them.

Now I’m not saying partying is a bad thing, because it can be a lot of fun, but when you do it almost every weekend and your friends don’t want to do anything else, then you might want some new friends. I continued to hang out with the party crowd until I left for college. When I got up to Manhattan it was back to Mary, Sally and I. Go figure about 2 months into our freshman year of college Sally ditches me again. That’s the last time, I refuse to try and keep her in my life if she’s just going to continue to ditch me and completely stop talking to me whenever she feels like.

Rule:
8.) If you’re friends are constantly ditching you and completely ignoring you for months at a time then they’re probably not real friends.

Through college Mary and I stayed best friends. We always had each other’s backs through everything. We made sure the other one stayed safe and didn’t get into trouble, we helped each other through countless boy situations, family situations and everything else. A lot of people say that Mary has too much drama in her life and she over reacts to everything, but very few people take time to look past that and see what a great person she is. Yea I’ll be the first to admit that Mary doesn’t handle stressful situations well and she does have her share of drama especially in the boy department. I’m sure she would say the same thing, but even with all that she’s an amazing friend. She is always there for me when I need her and I’m always there for her. She’s always there to listen, give advice, talk about boys with or help me kick someone’s ass. She’s taught me to stand up for myself more and not let others constantly tell me what to do. Since she’s taught me that, we have had our fights and not spoken to each other for several days over completely petty things, but we are still best friends. I think we always will be. We’re always stronger together and we could get through anything with the other one by our side. Plus we know too much about each other to ever not be friends. J

Rule:
9.) If you have a friend who puts up with your crap for almost 8 years and hasn’t killed you then they’re probably a GREAT friend.
10.) Even if your family or other friends think someone isn’t worth hanging out with, sometimes they are. Don’t let other people choose who you’re friends with, but at the same time make sure you choose your friends wisely and stick by your decision.

The last thing I want to say is that Caleb, Josh and you will ALWAYS be my very best friends. I think Mary is a great friend, but tomorrow she could decide she doesn’t want to put up with me anymore. That’s why you guys will always be my best friends. I know I can tell you guys absolutely anything and you would never stop being there for me. You guys are my family and will be there for me through absolutely everything and will always love me. Plus since we’re all so close in age I feel like I can tell you guys about anything that is going on in my life and you guys would help me though it. I know I would do the same for all of you. I love you guys! So the last rule.

Golden Rule:
11.) Your siblings will ALWAYS be your very best friends and will be there for you through everything life throws at you.

I Love You!

Love,
   ~Jordan Reneè

Hope this makes you smile!

Dear Booga,

Sorry I haven't had time to get your real letters done. I've been super busy lately with helping Jessica get everything organized and getting myself settled in. Hopefully I can have at least one real post done by the end of the week, but until I get it done here is an old letter that will hopefully make you laugh.

Dear Baby Girl,

I miss you sooo much!!!! So I made two’s to steal you away from so I never have to miss you again. Then we can have all the random     we want and we can sing “I’ll to you” at the top of our . Now my ’s areso keep it on the  low that way no evil villains will it.  Here it goes! PLAN A: So I’m going to fold you into a  and stuff you in my. I will then take you back to my dorm room and keep you in a , but don’t worry you’ll have your very own  and I’ll be sure to feed you plenty of . Maybe after awhile you’ll even start to grow some. PLAN B: …. I forgot to make a plan B….oh well plan A will just have to work. Now shake your, and pick your  to give the signal you understand the plan and make this letter . Oh P.S. when you’re ready to put the plan into action  Kyle is a .

I LOVE YOU!!

Love,

~Jordan~

P.S. I hope the pictures show up! If not I'm sorry :(

Finally Broken

I’ve been through so much in the past two years.

·         I’ve ended a year long relationship because the guy was a pot head and everything about our relationship was a lie.

·         I was dismissed from KSU because I failed Chemistry, but then immediately reinstated.

·         I was in a 6 month relationship with a guy that all of a sudden decided he didn’t love me and moved to Georgia with no explanation at all.

·         My best friend/older brother was in Afghanistan for 6 months and now I feel like I don’t even know him anymore.

·         I’ve had friends die with no explanation at all.

·         I was and still am living in a town where I have no friends. I absolutely hate it here and can’t wait to leave Manhattan.

·         I’ve had a shitty roommate who did everything he could to try and break me.

Even through all that I could still keep my head up. It sucked to go through, but none of it could break me. What happened yesterday May 30, 2011 did break me. I feel like I’m just going through the motions and nothing matters because no matter what I do I’m just going to get hurt again.

I first met Andrew Taylor at the KSU Dairy Bar. He worked in the back doing deliveries and I worked in front at the sales counter. The first time I saw him I thought he was cute, but I didn’t say anything. It was October and I had just gotten out of a really shitty relationship, I didn’t want anything to do with a guy. Eventually my friend Shanae who also worked at the Dairy Bar found out I thought Andrew was cute. Once she found out she bugged me every day about it and wanted to have a double date it was the end of October by now and I still wanted nothing to do with a guy so I continued to ignore Shanae’s plans. About mid November I was driving my roommate’s car back to work when I got a flat tire. I had no idea how to change one so I sat in a cold, dark parking lot for two hours while I texted everyone I knew in Manhattan to come help me. Conveniently no one could. I finally put a status up on Facebook saying I was stuck in a parking lot and someone should come help. That’s when Andrew Taylor commented on my status and said he would give me a ride home. So I gave him my number via Facebook and about half an hour later he shows up. I know it sounds cheesy and I’ve never told anyone this, but when he showed up all I could think about was how he was kind of rescuing me, my knight in shining armor. Haha yeah I know it sounds stupid, but it’s what I thought. So my knight changed the tire for me and there was just something about him that made me want to kiss him more than anything. Then I reminded myself I wanted nothing to do with guys, so instead of kissing him I said thank you about a dozen times and then drove off.

After that night Andrew and I started texting each other on and off and Shanae continued to bug me about going on a double date. I still wanted nothing to do with guys, but Andrew was super nice and polite and not to mention cute. So it was the end of November when I finally caved in and asked Andrew to go out bowling with Shanae, her boyfriend and myself. I still remember how the text went that I sent him. I’m an awkward person so my text was extremely awkward. I believe it went like this.

“Hey so I’m supposed to ask you if you want to go hang out with Jason, Shanae and I this weekend…maybe go bowling or something like that…but its up to you and I feel super retarded askin this cause I never do stuff like this, but yea if you wanna go that would be cool…soooo yep I’m gonna shut up now lol”

Oh my gosh I’ve never felt more retarded or awkward in my life! I guess that’s why I was so surprised when he text me back and said he would love to go, but he’s going home this weekend so maybe when he gets back. At first I wasn’t sure if he was just being nice or if he really wanted to go or if that was him blowing me off in a nice way. Then when he came back to Manhattan at the beginning of December he texted me wanting to hang out. So I set up the “double date” and that next weekend we all went out. Well turns out everyone else had planned to go out to dinner and just didn’t inform me. We ended up at Famous Dave’s and the entire dinner I was freaking out. I didn’t want to go out to dinner because I didn’t want this to be a real date because I was still NOT interested in guys! Also I’m a pretty messy eater so I figured he would just think I was a nasty slob after dinner anyway.

Even though I was freaking out, dinner was actually really fun. Andrew made me laugh a lot and I was lovin’ the way he looked over at me and grinned about ever ten minutes. When we all finished eating the waitress came by and asked how we wanted the checks split up, I immediately said Jason and Shanae were together and Andrew and I were separate. After all this was Not a date! After dinner we decided to go bowling and I ended up riding to the Union with Andrew. The car ride was still kind of awkward but we joked around. He teased me about how he wanted to pay for dinner and I teased him about his small member…haha. Now before we went on this “double date” I had teased him nonstop about how I was going to beat him at bowling and he told me he never loses. I was getting pretty nervous as we got closer to the Union, but I wasn’t going to let him know. When we made it to the union we started bowling and I thoroughly kicked his ass! I doubled his score. Now if anyone knows Andrew they know he hates to lose and he got a little moody, but we played again and he made a big comeback, I ended up only winning by about 5 points. That night was the most fun I had in months! All I could think about was how good he looked and the way he kept looking at me. I loved it. While I was taking off my bowling shoes though he snuck over and paid for me. GRR!! We all finally ended up back at my house just to hang out for awhile. Since we drove separate Andrew and I got there before Jason and Shanae. We had a little game going to see who could win at the most stuff so far the score was 2-0 in my favor because I beat him in bowling. So I decided to challenge him to a wrestling match. We wrestled around for awhile and he ended up tackling me and sitting on top of me, of course I couldn’t give up so I continued to struggle and eventually got away. Now before I tell you the rest I have to say I didn’t think Andrew was a very big guy, but as we were wrestling around I soon realized he was bigger and stronger than he looked. I also have to admit it was very attractive I had never had a boyfriend that had much muscle at all. All the guys I dated had been pretty puny so Andrews biceps were definitely attractive. Once these thoughts came into my head though I got all flustered and embarrassed even though I knew he couldn’t tell what I was thinking. Thankfully that’s when Jason and Shanae got there and saved me. We all hung out for awhile and I made sure to sit a ways away from Andrew because once again I was Not interested. Somehow Andrew kept getting me to move closer and closer to him though and about half an hour later I ended up on his lap. Conveniently that’s when Jason and Shanae decided to leave. Andrew and I were left just sitting there and he kept looking at me with his amazing blue/green eyes. He got this little sparkle in his eye and grinned then he kissed me. It was without a doubt the best first kiss I’ve ever had, it was such an amazing kiss it made me lose my breath. After that I couldn’t stop kissing him. We hung out for a little while longer and then he went home. Even though I still was Not wanting a boyfriend there was something about Andrew that made me want to talk to him and see him all the time.

After that night Andrew and I hung out quite a bit in the next couple weeks. We usually just went over to my house or his and watched a movie or he would watch me work on my families Christmas presents and ask me about them. Christmas break was coming up and we weren’t going to see each other for a month so we decided to see how that went and then maybe our hangouts would turn into something else after we came back from break. I was completely okay with this considering I didn’t want a boyfriend…right? Well I didn’t think I did anyway, but then on December 16^th Andrew and I were laying on my couch when he all of a sudden said…

“So I was talking to my brother and it really wouldn’t make much sense to wait till after break because nothing is going to change so it doesn’t matter if we get together now or after we come back, does it? So I guess if it’s okay with you we can just not wait…”

I was kind of confused by what he was trying to say so I asked him what he meant and he said.

“Jordan will you be my girlfriend?”

The way he asked was the cutest thing in the world and at that moment all my thoughts of not wanting a boyfriend went out the window. I don’t think I even answered his question with words. I just kissed him for a long time and couldn’t stop smiling.

I can’t tell you everything that happened over the course of our relationship, but I can tell you the important things. First of all, Andrew is an amazing guy. He ALWAYS opened the car door for me, he called me beautiful every morning, constantly complimented me, made me laugh every day, bought me roses just because, and always did cute little things for me. When he kissed me real deeply and passionately he could always make me lose my breath and he even made my whole body shake a few times. The more we hung out the more I trusted him and was able to be myself around him. You have no idea how good it felt to be myself with him. I’ve never been able to do that with any other guy and it meant more than anything that I could be myself with him.

You see I have a really big problem, I’m really bad at talking to people about serious topics, I always think I’m going to sound dumb, or they will laugh at me or I will tell someone everything about me and will just end up getting hurt. It turns out Andrew helped me out a lot with that. He was the first guy that legitimately wanted to know more about me. He always wanted to help when I was upset or stressed about something. It was hard at first, but he somehow knew how to make me talk to him. He would push me to talk, but if I wasn’t ready to he would back off and wait awhile. Like I said Andrew is amazing. I soon ended up telling him everything. Whenever I was upset I would tell him what was going on and he would always try to give me advice or just comfort me. I told him about my past and how I’d been hurt before, I told him about my family, my religion, my dreams and everything else. I just wish I could have gotten him to open up to me more.

The day we told each other we were in love is one I’ll never forget. We were supposed to be watching the movie The Expendables because he had never seen it, but for some reason he was restless and so I turned over and asked him what was going through his mind. He wouldn’t really tell me he just kept hinting that there was something he wanted to say to me, but he was scared to say it. I knew exactly what he was talking about because even though it had only been three months I knew I was completely in love with him. On a side note I have to tell you I thought that I was in love before, but when I met Andrew I knew I really hadn’t ever been in love. I was just wanted to be in love so bad I thought I was. With Andrew though I knew it was real. I knew I was really in love with him because I knew I would do anything for him and I cared more about him than anyone else in the world. I could already picture my life with him, every time I thought about my future he was in it. So when he was scared to tell me I knew exactly what he was talking about because I was scared to tell him too. I just kept thinking if I got hurt as bad as I did in the past from someone I realize I wasn’t even in love with then this amazing guy that I really am in love with can hurt me worse than anyone else has before. I was so scared that if I told him I loved him I would just get hurt again and I think that’s why he was scared to because he’s had similar things happen in the past. We just laid there for a while staring at each other and I finally decided that I would rather risk the hurt then never know what could have been. So I looked straight into his eyes and I told him.

“I love you Andrew”

He smiled really big and got this big wave of relief across his face. The he put his hand on the back of my head, pulled me in closer and said,

“I love you too”

That was one of the best nights of my life. All I can remember thinking is that I had this amazing guy that I loved and he loved me back and I could picture our whole future together. I was the happiest I’ve been in a long, long time.

Everything went great for awhile I met his family and from what he told me they really liked me and thought we were good for each other. He met my family and they told me they really liked him. For once in my life I thought I had finally gotten it right.

We had so many good times. We played put-put, went bowling, out to eat, to movies, canoeing, horseback riding, fishing and just hung out around the house. No matter what we were doing I had a ton of fun because I was doing it with him. I loved every minute of it.

Our relationship wasn’t all good though. We did have a four or five fights and to be honest I don’t remember what most of them were about. I know they were always about stupid little things though. Our biggest fight was when he took me back to Goodland for a weekend. I went out with him when he went turkey hunting. I honestly loved it, I thought it would be so much fun to try. Later that day however we were in his truck and he sped up to hit a badger. I know it’s stupid, but that really bugs me. I don’t think its sport to run something over in your vehicle, it just proves your truck is faster than it’s legs. He explained his reasons for it though (it’s a pest; I would have just got out and shot it if I didn’t hit it, etc). I know I should have just dropped it because it was completely stupid, but instead I started a big fight about it and was awful to him the rest of the weekend. I don’t know why it bugs me to run things over; maybe it’s the future veterinarian in me, but whatever the reason it’s completely stupid. I should have just gotten over it and accepted it. Andrew was right about it and I wasn’t, I was just being stupid. Having that fight and not being able to admit that I was wrong was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made. After that weekend Andrew started becoming more and more distant. I had told him I was moving to California next year and I think that and our fight really bugged him. I should have noticed he was distant, but I guess I was still stuck in la-la land.

As far as I knew our relationship was going great, that is until May. We were coming back from a weekend spent with my family. Andrew had told me the weekend was perfect, and I thought it had been to. On the car ride back however, he talked about the possibility of us breaking up. I was crushed, but we talked about it and got through it. Everything was back to normal again for a couple weeks and then on May 11^th he came over to my house and broke up with me. He said he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me. We argued about it because I don’t understand how that’s something you can take back. I was so hurt because that’s the exact same way my last boyfriend broke up with me right before he moved to Georgia and now Andrew was doing it right before he moved back to Goodland. All I could think about was that there’s something wrong with me in order for the exact same thing to happen twice in a row. Andrew stayed and talked to me for about an hour, he told me he would do everything over again and that changing my tire was one of the best things he ever did.  He told me I’m an amazing girl and I deserve better, but the whole time I was thinking he is the best and I want him. I hugged him one more time and asked if he would at least take his birthday present since I had already got it for him. It was two Coors steins because he collects them and a picture frame filled with pictures of us. He said he would take it and I told him to please read the pictures because on the back of each one I had written a little note about us or something I loved about him. I hugged him again and then told him I still love him. He said he felt like a complete ass hole because he did all this to me but I can somehow still love him. He walked out the door and I watched him pull out the drive. I thought that was the last time I would ever see him. I felt like I had a huge hole in my chest and it was really really hard to breathe.

That night Andrew called me and told me he thinks he made a huge mistake. He had read all the notes on the pictures and said it’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for him. There was one note where I had wrote “I love how I can be myself around you I’ve never been able to do that with anyone else.” I guess that really hit home for him because he brought up that note and said I was one of the only people he can be himself around too. He said those steins were one of the best birthday presents he’s ever gotten and not even his family knows what to get him half the time. We talked for awhile and I decided to give him a second chance. There really wasn’t another option. I was still in love with him and I wanted him more than anything in the world. It’s a scary thought, but I know if he ever asked me I would give up everything for him, and I literally mean everything, but I know he would never ask.

Things were kind of rocky from then on, but we were working through it. I honestly thought we could make it through anything. He moved back to Goodland for the summer and I didn’t get to see him for 2 weeks, but I was so excited because I was going to see him the weekend before his birthday! The night before I went to see him in Goodland he called me and asked how I thought our relationship was going I said good because that’s truly what I thought. Apparently he thought it was going to shit and we were growing apart. I had stopped telling him I love you because it hurt too much when he didn’t say it back and I didn’t want him to say it back till he really meant it again. I also wanted to stop saying it till we saw each other in person because I was being stupid and thought it would mean more that way. He thought since I wasn’t saying it that it meant I didn’t mean it so he wanted to break up. I got angry and told him I was coming to Goodland whether he wanted me to or not. He finally agreed and we decided we would see how the weekend went and then decide if we would stay together.

The next day I drove to Goodland and had butterflies the entire five hour drive. I was so excited to see him, but also extremely nervous cause after this weekend I could lose the person I cared about most. When I got there it felt so good to hug him and kiss him and even though he was just in gym shorts and a cut off t-shirt he was still the best looking man I’d ever seen. Gah! I love him so much. We had a great weekend hanging out with his family around the house. I always feel so comfortable there I love it. On Sunday we went out to the lake and went fishing on his parents boat. First time I’ve ever actually caught a fish. It was a blast and I loved every minute of it. I didn’t want the day to end.

Andrew has taught me so much and I’ve had so many amazing times with him, I’ve done all sorts of new and fun things and I wish I could keep doing things like that with him for the rest of my life.

The day finally ended though and I had to start the drive back to Douglass. He drove me to moms car and we said goodbye. I got out and put my stuff in the car, but then something made me go running back. I stepped up on the truck and kissed him through his window. It was the best goodbye kiss in the world. I really thought we were going to be okay, everything was going to work out. I couldn’t stop smiling the whole way home. It was definitely one of my favorite weekends.

Yesterday. The absolute worst day of my life so far. I know I sound like a melodramatic teenager saying that, but it’s true. I found out some things that should probably remain a secret and I called Andrew to confront him. When he told me it was true I ended it. Let me be clear on one thing. He NEVER cheated on me. Andrew is an amazing guy and will always be an amazing guy. I just can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me when I would give the world for them. I know he can’t change his feelings towards me and I can’t force him to love me that wouldn’t be fair. I just wish he would have given me an actual chance. I wish he would have let me in. I’m not perfect and I know there are some things I did during our relationship that I shouldn’t of. For instance I was never a jealous person till I met him. I never cared if my past boyfriends talked to or hung out with a bazillion other girls, but when I started dating Andrew I became a jealous person. I shouldn’t of, I trusted him more than anyone else, but I didn’t trust any of the girls that still liked him from Goodland. He could have any girl he wanted and I was scared he wouldn’t choose me. I shouldn’t have been jealous I should have just controlled it. It was one of my big mistakes and if I ever had the chance to re-do it I wouldn’t be a jealous girlfriend. I have never lied to Andrew, I never broke a promise to him, I never cheated, I gave him everything I had, but I’m still not good enough. That’s my fault. I just wish more than anything that he would have given me a legitimate chance rather than shutting me out after he knew I was moving. I’m calling him tomorrow night to talk about everything. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe we’ll get back together in the future, maybe not. Whatever happens Andrew Taylor is the perfect guy and I still love him more than anything. I hope he finds a girl that loves him as much as I do and she is his perfect girl. In my opinion there was WAY more good in our relationship than bad. I never want to forget our relationship or him.

Baby Girl, I know I’m supposed to give you advice in these letters, but honestly can’t think of any right now. Sometimes shit just happens and you can’t do anything to change it no matter how hard you try or how much it hurts. Just try to keep your head up and push through it that’s the best you can do. As for me I think I’m just going to be broken for awhile I’ll try to keep my head up in the future, but right now I can’t. I love you and I hope you never have to go through something like this. J

~Love, Jordan Reneè

What Is This About?

Hey Booga,

            So every week from now on I’m going to send you one of these letters/notes/whatever you want to call it through a blog. I should probably start by telling you why I’m writing this. You see pretty soon I’m going to be moving to California for a year and not going to be able to see you very often. I already miss you like crazy and I’m only 3 hours away, I can’t imagine what it will be like when I’m 27 hours away. The more I think about it the more I realize how much I’m going to miss you growing up. I wish I could be there to help you through your first year of high school, I know you’ll still be alright even when I’m not there, but I still wish I could be there for you. You can always call me, text me or e-mail me anytime you want to talk. I’ve been through it all though, all the drama, boys, parties, fights, curfews, everything. I know there are things you’re not going to want to talk about, those are usually the most important things. That’s why I’m going to write these every week. I’m going to try and tell you everything I went through during high school and my first two years of college and how I dealt with it. Ya I know it probably sounds pretty lame, and you think you know about everything already. There probably will be a lot of stuff I write that you do know already, but I guarantee there’s also a lot of things you don’t know. Hopefully when I tell you about all of the things that happened to me you can learn from my mistakes, I know that you need to make your own mistakes to become your own person, but maybe this will help you make a few less. I’ll try to put some advice into each of these I send you and if it doesn’t apply to your life right now maybe it will in the future. Not all of these are going to be serious though. I’m going to try and tell you a lot of my funny and happy stories too. You can learn from all of them.

I love you!!
~Jordan Reneè

P.S. I’m doing it through a blog because mom has been wanting me to start one anyway and it would use up a lot of paper if I sent it old fashion like. Oh and this isn’t just going to help you it will help me too, because when I feel like I can’t talk to anyone or no one understands I can always write and it makes me feel better. J love ya!