I’ve been through so much in the past two years.
· I’ve ended a year long relationship because the guy was a pot head and everything about our relationship was a lie.
· I was dismissed from KSU because I failed Chemistry, but then immediately reinstated.
· I was in a 6 month relationship with a guy that all of a sudden decided he didn’t love me and moved to Georgia with no explanation at all.
· My best friend/older brother was in Afghanistan for 6 months and now I feel like I don’t even know him anymore.
· I’ve had friends die with no explanation at all.
· I was and still am living in a town where I have no friends. I absolutely hate it here and can’t wait to leave Manhattan.
· I’ve had a shitty roommate who did everything he could to try and break me.
Even through all that I could still keep my head up. It sucked to go through, but none of it could break me. What happened yesterday May 30, 2011 did break me. I feel like I’m just going through the motions and nothing matters because no matter what I do I’m just going to get hurt again.
I first met Andrew Taylor at the KSU Dairy Bar. He worked in the back doing deliveries and I worked in front at the sales counter. The first time I saw him I thought he was cute, but I didn’t say anything. It was October and I had just gotten out of a really shitty relationship, I didn’t want anything to do with a guy. Eventually my friend Shanae who also worked at the Dairy Bar found out I thought Andrew was cute. Once she found out she bugged me every day about it and wanted to have a double date it was the end of October by now and I still wanted nothing to do with a guy so I continued to ignore Shanae’s plans. About mid November I was driving my roommate’s car back to work when I got a flat tire. I had no idea how to change one so I sat in a cold, dark parking lot for two hours while I texted everyone I knew in Manhattan to come help me. Conveniently no one could. I finally put a status up on Facebook saying I was stuck in a parking lot and someone should come help. That’s when Andrew Taylor commented on my status and said he would give me a ride home. So I gave him my number via Facebook and about half an hour later he shows up. I know it sounds cheesy and I’ve never told anyone this, but when he showed up all I could think about was how he was kind of rescuing me, my knight in shining armor. Haha yeah I know it sounds stupid, but it’s what I thought. So my knight changed the tire for me and there was just something about him that made me want to kiss him more than anything. Then I reminded myself I wanted nothing to do with guys, so instead of kissing him I said thank you about a dozen times and then drove off.
After that night Andrew and I started texting each other on and off and Shanae continued to bug me about going on a double date. I still wanted nothing to do with guys, but Andrew was super nice and polite and not to mention cute. So it was the end of November when I finally caved in and asked Andrew to go out bowling with Shanae, her boyfriend and myself. I still remember how the text went that I sent him. I’m an awkward person so my text was extremely awkward. I believe it went like this.
“Hey so I’m supposed to ask you if you want to go hang out with Jason, Shanae and I this weekend…maybe go bowling or something like that…but its up to you and I feel super retarded askin this cause I never do stuff like this, but yea if you wanna go that would be cool…soooo yep I’m gonna shut up now lol”
Oh my gosh I’ve never felt more retarded or awkward in my life! I guess that’s why I was so surprised when he text me back and said he would love to go, but he’s going home this weekend so maybe when he gets back. At first I wasn’t sure if he was just being nice or if he really wanted to go or if that was him blowing me off in a nice way. Then when he came back to Manhattan at the beginning of December he texted me wanting to hang out. So I set up the “double date” and that next weekend we all went out. Well turns out everyone else had planned to go out to dinner and just didn’t inform me. We ended up at Famous Dave’s and the entire dinner I was freaking out. I didn’t want to go out to dinner because I didn’t want this to be a real date because I was still NOT interested in guys! Also I’m a pretty messy eater so I figured he would just think I was a nasty slob after dinner anyway.
Even though I was freaking out, dinner was actually really fun. Andrew made me laugh a lot and I was lovin’ the way he looked over at me and grinned about ever ten minutes. When we all finished eating the waitress came by and asked how we wanted the checks split up, I immediately said Jason and Shanae were together and Andrew and I were separate. After all this was Not a date! After dinner we decided to go bowling and I ended up riding to the Union with Andrew. The car ride was still kind of awkward but we joked around. He teased me about how he wanted to pay for dinner and I teased him about his small member…haha. Now before we went on this “double date” I had teased him nonstop about how I was going to beat him at bowling and he told me he never loses. I was getting pretty nervous as we got closer to the Union, but I wasn’t going to let him know. When we made it to the union we started bowling and I thoroughly kicked his ass! I doubled his score. Now if anyone knows Andrew they know he hates to lose and he got a little moody, but we played again and he made a big comeback, I ended up only winning by about 5 points. That night was the most fun I had in months! All I could think about was how good he looked and the way he kept looking at me. I loved it. While I was taking off my bowling shoes though he snuck over and paid for me. GRR!! We all finally ended up back at my house just to hang out for awhile. Since we drove separate Andrew and I got there before Jason and Shanae. We had a little game going to see who could win at the most stuff so far the score was 2-0 in my favor because I beat him in bowling. So I decided to challenge him to a wrestling match. We wrestled around for awhile and he ended up tackling me and sitting on top of me, of course I couldn’t give up so I continued to struggle and eventually got away. Now before I tell you the rest I have to say I didn’t think Andrew was a very big guy, but as we were wrestling around I soon realized he was bigger and stronger than he looked. I also have to admit it was very attractive I had never had a boyfriend that had much muscle at all. All the guys I dated had been pretty puny so Andrews biceps were definitely attractive. Once these thoughts came into my head though I got all flustered and embarrassed even though I knew he couldn’t tell what I was thinking. Thankfully that’s when Jason and Shanae got there and saved me. We all hung out for awhile and I made sure to sit a ways away from Andrew because once again I was Not interested. Somehow Andrew kept getting me to move closer and closer to him though and about half an hour later I ended up on his lap. Conveniently that’s when Jason and Shanae decided to leave. Andrew and I were left just sitting there and he kept looking at me with his amazing blue/green eyes. He got this little sparkle in his eye and grinned then he kissed me. It was without a doubt the best first kiss I’ve ever had, it was such an amazing kiss it made me lose my breath. After that I couldn’t stop kissing him. We hung out for a little while longer and then he went home. Even though I still was Not wanting a boyfriend there was something about Andrew that made me want to talk to him and see him all the time.
After that night Andrew and I hung out quite a bit in the next couple weeks. We usually just went over to my house or his and watched a movie or he would watch me work on my families Christmas presents and ask me about them. Christmas break was coming up and we weren’t going to see each other for a month so we decided to see how that went and then maybe our hangouts would turn into something else after we came back from break. I was completely okay with this considering I didn’t want a boyfriend…right? Well I didn’t think I did anyway, but then on December 16th Andrew and I were laying on my couch when he all of a sudden said…
“So I was talking to my brother and it really wouldn’t make much sense to wait till after break because nothing is going to change so it doesn’t matter if we get together now or after we come back, does it? So I guess if it’s okay with you we can just not wait…”
I was kind of confused by what he was trying to say so I asked him what he meant and he said.
“Jordan will you be my girlfriend?”
The way he asked was the cutest thing in the world and at that moment all my thoughts of not wanting a boyfriend went out the window. I don’t think I even answered his question with words. I just kissed him for a long time and couldn’t stop smiling.
I can’t tell you everything that happened over the course of our relationship, but I can tell you the important things. First of all, Andrew is an amazing guy. He ALWAYS opened the car door for me, he called me beautiful every morning, constantly complimented me, made me laugh every day, bought me roses just because, and always did cute little things for me. When he kissed me real deeply and passionately he could always make me lose my breath and he even made my whole body shake a few times. The more we hung out the more I trusted him and was able to be myself around him. You have no idea how good it felt to be myself with him. I’ve never been able to do that with any other guy and it meant more than anything that I could be myself with him.
You see I have a really big problem, I’m really bad at talking to people about serious topics, I always think I’m going to sound dumb, or they will laugh at me or I will tell someone everything about me and will just end up getting hurt. It turns out Andrew helped me out a lot with that. He was the first guy that legitimately wanted to know more about me. He always wanted to help when I was upset or stressed about something. It was hard at first, but he somehow knew how to make me talk to him. He would push me to talk, but if I wasn’t ready to he would back off and wait awhile. Like I said Andrew is amazing. I soon ended up telling him everything. Whenever I was upset I would tell him what was going on and he would always try to give me advice or just comfort me. I told him about my past and how I’d been hurt before, I told him about my family, my religion, my dreams and everything else. I just wish I could have gotten him to open up to me more.
The day we told each other we were in love is one I’ll never forget. We were supposed to be watching the movie The Expendables because he had never seen it, but for some reason he was restless and so I turned over and asked him what was going through his mind. He wouldn’t really tell me he just kept hinting that there was something he wanted to say to me, but he was scared to say it. I knew exactly what he was talking about because even though it had only been three months I knew I was completely in love with him. On a side note I have to tell you I thought that I was in love before, but when I met Andrew I knew I really hadn’t ever been in love. I was just wanted to be in love so bad I thought I was. With Andrew though I knew it was real. I knew I was really in love with him because I knew I would do anything for him and I cared more about him than anyone else in the world. I could already picture my life with him, every time I thought about my future he was in it. So when he was scared to tell me I knew exactly what he was talking about because I was scared to tell him too. I just kept thinking if I got hurt as bad as I did in the past from someone I realize I wasn’t even in love with then this amazing guy that I really am in love with can hurt me worse than anyone else has before. I was so scared that if I told him I loved him I would just get hurt again and I think that’s why he was scared to because he’s had similar things happen in the past. We just laid there for a while staring at each other and I finally decided that I would rather risk the hurt then never know what could have been. So I looked straight into his eyes and I told him.
“I love you Andrew”
He smiled really big and got this big wave of relief across his face. The he put his hand on the back of my head, pulled me in closer and said,
“I love you too”
That was one of the best nights of my life. All I can remember thinking is that I had this amazing guy that I loved and he loved me back and I could picture our whole future together. I was the happiest I’ve been in a long, long time.
Everything went great for awhile I met his family and from what he told me they really liked me and thought we were good for each other. He met my family and they told me they really liked him. For once in my life I thought I had finally gotten it right.
We had so many good times. We played put-put, went bowling, out to eat, to movies, canoeing, horseback riding, fishing and just hung out around the house. No matter what we were doing I had a ton of fun because I was doing it with him. I loved every minute of it.
Our relationship wasn’t all good though. We did have a four or five fights and to be honest I don’t remember what most of them were about. I know they were always about stupid little things though. Our biggest fight was when he took me back to Goodland for a weekend. I went out with him when he went turkey hunting. I honestly loved it, I thought it would be so much fun to try. Later that day however we were in his truck and he sped up to hit a badger. I know it’s stupid, but that really bugs me. I don’t think its sport to run something over in your vehicle, it just proves your truck is faster than it’s legs. He explained his reasons for it though (it’s a pest; I would have just got out and shot it if I didn’t hit it, etc). I know I should have just dropped it because it was completely stupid, but instead I started a big fight about it and was awful to him the rest of the weekend. I don’t know why it bugs me to run things over; maybe it’s the future veterinarian in me, but whatever the reason it’s completely stupid. I should have just gotten over it and accepted it. Andrew was right about it and I wasn’t, I was just being stupid. Having that fight and not being able to admit that I was wrong was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made. After that weekend Andrew started becoming more and more distant. I had told him I was moving to California next year and I think that and our fight really bugged him. I should have noticed he was distant, but I guess I was still stuck in la-la land.
As far as I knew our relationship was going great, that is until May. We were coming back from a weekend spent with my family. Andrew had told me the weekend was perfect, and I thought it had been to. On the car ride back however, he talked about the possibility of us breaking up. I was crushed, but we talked about it and got through it. Everything was back to normal again for a couple weeks and then on May 11th he came over to my house and broke up with me. He said he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me. We argued about it because I don’t understand how that’s something you can take back. I was so hurt because that’s the exact same way my last boyfriend broke up with me right before he moved to Georgia and now Andrew was doing it right before he moved back to Goodland. All I could think about was that there’s something wrong with me in order for the exact same thing to happen twice in a row. Andrew stayed and talked to me for about an hour, he told me he would do everything over again and that changing my tire was one of the best things he ever did. He told me I’m an amazing girl and I deserve better, but the whole time I was thinking he is the best and I want him. I hugged him one more time and asked if he would at least take his birthday present since I had already got it for him. It was two Coors steins because he collects them and a picture frame filled with pictures of us. He said he would take it and I told him to please read the pictures because on the back of each one I had written a little note about us or something I loved about him. I hugged him again and then told him I still love him. He said he felt like a complete ass hole because he did all this to me but I can somehow still love him. He walked out the door and I watched him pull out the drive. I thought that was the last time I would ever see him. I felt like I had a huge hole in my chest and it was really really hard to breathe.
That night Andrew called me and told me he thinks he made a huge mistake. He had read all the notes on the pictures and said it’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for him. There was one note where I had wrote “I love how I can be myself around you I’ve never been able to do that with anyone else.” I guess that really hit home for him because he brought up that note and said I was one of the only people he can be himself around too. He said those steins were one of the best birthday presents he’s ever gotten and not even his family knows what to get him half the time. We talked for awhile and I decided to give him a second chance. There really wasn’t another option. I was still in love with him and I wanted him more than anything in the world. It’s a scary thought, but I know if he ever asked me I would give up everything for him, and I literally mean everything, but I know he would never ask.
Things were kind of rocky from then on, but we were working through it. I honestly thought we could make it through anything. He moved back to Goodland for the summer and I didn’t get to see him for 2 weeks, but I was so excited because I was going to see him the weekend before his birthday! The night before I went to see him in Goodland he called me and asked how I thought our relationship was going I said good because that’s truly what I thought. Apparently he thought it was going to shit and we were growing apart. I had stopped telling him I love you because it hurt too much when he didn’t say it back and I didn’t want him to say it back till he really meant it again. I also wanted to stop saying it till we saw each other in person because I was being stupid and thought it would mean more that way. He thought since I wasn’t saying it that it meant I didn’t mean it so he wanted to break up. I got angry and told him I was coming to Goodland whether he wanted me to or not. He finally agreed and we decided we would see how the weekend went and then decide if we would stay together.
The next day I drove to Goodland and had butterflies the entire five hour drive. I was so excited to see him, but also extremely nervous cause after this weekend I could lose the person I cared about most. When I got there it felt so good to hug him and kiss him and even though he was just in gym shorts and a cut off t-shirt he was still the best looking man I’d ever seen. Gah! I love him so much. We had a great weekend hanging out with his family around the house. I always feel so comfortable there I love it. On Sunday we went out to the lake and went fishing on his parents boat. First time I’ve ever actually caught a fish. It was a blast and I loved every minute of it. I didn’t want the day to end.
Andrew has taught me so much and I’ve had so many amazing times with him, I’ve done all sorts of new and fun things and I wish I could keep doing things like that with him for the rest of my life.
The day finally ended though and I had to start the drive back to Douglass. He drove me to moms car and we said goodbye. I got out and put my stuff in the car, but then something made me go running back. I stepped up on the truck and kissed him through his window. It was the best goodbye kiss in the world. I really thought we were going to be okay, everything was going to work out. I couldn’t stop smiling the whole way home. It was definitely one of my favorite weekends.
Yesterday. The absolute worst day of my life so far. I know I sound like a melodramatic teenager saying that, but it’s true. I found out some things that should probably remain a secret and I called Andrew to confront him. When he told me it was true I ended it. Let me be clear on one thing. He NEVER cheated on me. Andrew is an amazing guy and will always be an amazing guy. I just can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me when I would give the world for them. I know he can’t change his feelings towards me and I can’t force him to love me that wouldn’t be fair. I just wish he would have given me an actual chance. I wish he would have let me in. I’m not perfect and I know there are some things I did during our relationship that I shouldn’t of. For instance I was never a jealous person till I met him. I never cared if my past boyfriends talked to or hung out with a bazillion other girls, but when I started dating Andrew I became a jealous person. I shouldn’t of, I trusted him more than anyone else, but I didn’t trust any of the girls that still liked him from Goodland. He could have any girl he wanted and I was scared he wouldn’t choose me. I shouldn’t have been jealous I should have just controlled it. It was one of my big mistakes and if I ever had the chance to re-do it I wouldn’t be a jealous girlfriend. I have never lied to Andrew, I never broke a promise to him, I never cheated, I gave him everything I had, but I’m still not good enough. That’s my fault. I just wish more than anything that he would have given me a legitimate chance rather than shutting me out after he knew I was moving. I’m calling him tomorrow night to talk about everything. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe we’ll get back together in the future, maybe not. Whatever happens Andrew Taylor is the perfect guy and I still love him more than anything. I hope he finds a girl that loves him as much as I do and she is his perfect girl. In my opinion there was WAY more good in our relationship than bad. I never want to forget our relationship or him.
Baby Girl, I know I’m supposed to give you advice in these letters, but honestly can’t think of any right now. Sometimes shit just happens and you can’t do anything to change it no matter how hard you try or how much it hurts. Just try to keep your head up and push through it that’s the best you can do. As for me I think I’m just going to be broken for awhile I’ll try to keep my head up in the future, but right now I can’t. I love you and I hope you never have to go through something like this. J
~Love, Jordan Reneè
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